Chris Thile Wants to Marry Me

These guys are so damned awesome. I'm a confirmed groupie. At least in my head. Does that count? (Sorry for the poor picture. It was a camera phone, but it was better than nothing.)

There is a surprisingly short list of people who could render me starstruck. I say surprising because I know I throw compliments around generously…John Cusack and Ed Norton have all gotten substantial nods just within this blog. I have always envisioned that if I met either John or Ed we would strike up a casual conversation, grab a beer, and totally hit it off on a friendly note.

But if you ever want to see me dissolve into a stuttering, “like” throwing imbecile, just thrust me (does “thrust” need to be added to my list of accidentally pornographic words?) into the path of certain writers or musicians. Like Chris Thile, of current Punch Brothers and past Nickel Creek fame, for example. Swoooon.

I am amazed by talented writers and musicians. Music or wordsmithing might be gifts planted in your soul by a divine gardener, but it takes a backbreaking investment for them to mature into actual talent. Being able to master the technical lessons and the mathematical intricacies of time signatures…this isn’t something you can just pick up around a campfire at summer camp. Nor is weaving emotion into the black and white flatness of a page something you can accomplish just because you know how to spell. Brad Pitt could dine next to me peacefully, but Billy Collins would probably need some serious security.

Let’s say you do have this divine spark in you, and you spend the hours getting the technicalities under control. But what about when you finally, really, truly, get it? What do you do once you’re there? I sure as hell have never had the chance to know. And these are the people who amaze me…the people who get so damn good at their craft that they have the opportunity to embrace it and they make it their own. They first of all make it look easy, and second of all use it to show you something about life that you maybe always knew but could never could quite put your finger on. These are the people I call artists, and if they can stir something up in me that I’ve never been able to stir up on my own, they can call me a lifetime fan and consider themselves on my life soundtrack. (Along with Regina Spektor, anything Jack White, Ray LaMontagne, John Prine, Queen…and of course, Chris Thile.)

I am a huge Nickel Creek fan and have been for awhile. Years. (If you don’t know who I’m talking about, I strongly recommend you go put them on your ipod five minutes ago. Add the Punch Brothers. I’m serious – do it and come back. I’ll wait.)

Done?

Okay. When NC broke up I was heart.broken. Thankfully, they’re doing solo stuff and I don’t feel too terribly deprived. As the best Valentine’s Day gift ever, The Husband got me tickets to see the Punch Brothers at a local venue. The tickets were for a Tuesday night so I was kind of on the fence about that, especially because I would have to trade one phenomenon (Lost) for another (Chris) but this turned into one of the best gifts I’ve ever gotten. I learned two lessons about concerts in my craptastic hometown:

1. Few other folks are going to go out on a school night, so concerts feel more like intimate performances. This lesson scares me, though, because performances that are too intimate might mean that cool performers may never come back.
2. Few other folks share my awesome taste in music. The concert hall was maybe half full. For Chris Thile and the Punch Brothers. Who are fucking incredible. I wanted to apologize. Plus people around me kept asking if anyone had ever heard of the band. I smacked them all with my program. (Not really. But I wanted to.)

I learned one big lesson about myself: I.am.a.dork.

We were blessed enough to be able to listen to an amazing performance. I had a horrible day (reference the layoff blog) and the PBs took me from wanting to cry to wanting to laugh to just being blown away that anyone’s fingers could move that quickly. Each solo blew my mind and I was fully engaged from the moment they took the stage. I would attempt to describe it more fully, but I’m no music critic and I think I would fail to do them justice. Just know it was one of the best musical experiences of my life. And this wasn’t my first trip to the bandstand, if you catch my drift.

Nevermind, I guess that was pretty literal. Disregard the drift.

After the show, my heart was still in my throat and we were socializing in the lobby. My husband was edging slowly towards the door as I greeted the approximately 75% of the audience who I know. As I was talking to one of my favorite people in the world, Dr. Shelly, suddenly five feet away from me are ALL FIVE PUNCH BROTHERS. I froze mid-sentence. And stared. And then ran to the end of the slowly (sorry, Chris) forming line.

The Hubs: (Tagging along towards the end of the line.) What are you doing.

Me: Meeting CHRIS.THILE.

The Hubs: Yeah. But you were just next to him. Why didn’t you say hi then?

Me: Because I need time to think about what I’m going to say!! What am I going to say?

The Hubs: I’ll go get the car.

Me: NO! You have to take my picture.

The Hubs: Sigh.

(He sighs a lot.)

So I spend five minutes in line thinking about what I could say to Chris Thile. Here’s are some of the things I could have said:

• Your music breaks my heart. Music should be liquid emotion, and yours captures every nuance of every feeling I don’t know how to describe.
• Will you marry me? Wait. I’m married. Would you consider getting a tattoo of my name and just pining for me in vain?
• My musical knowledge is as extensive as a rusty high school band education, so I don’t know what makes your songs so suspenseful…dissonance? Minor chords? But you make the hair on the back of my neck stand up in a way that’s never quite uncomfortable and always intense.
• I have a blog and tons of people read it. I’m kind of a big deal.
• The dynamic in your group is obviously awesome. Lame.
• Do you need a groupie? Shit. Nevermind. Still married.
• You guys were on fire. Your fingers flew faster than I can do anything, and you looked like you were having the most fun of your life. Thanks for letting me be a part of that.
• Give me some time to work on Columbus. I’ll get you a bigger crowd next time. Will you please come back? Please? I have a guest room. I’m just saying. Okay, I don’t really. But I could get one.

So I finally get up to the table, where five musicians who have just blown my mind are sitting, available for me to talk to, and what do I come up with? It went painfully something like this:

Me: I’m so freaking glad you guys came to Columbus. We’re the biggest Columbus, you know. Everyone thinks it’s Columbus, Ohio, but we totally have them beat.

Noam: Yeah…(and he signs my CD cover while looking at me through his eyebrows…)

Paul: (Next in line, overhearing, and accepting the CD cover from Noam.) This is a beautiful town. The historic district is great. We are thrilled to be here.

(This dude was seriously nice. ESPECIALLY given how lame I was.)

Me: I totally hate that it got cold just when you guys got here.

Paul: This is cold?

Me: Totally.

Paul:…(I think he was thinking, “Holy shit, please get the line moving so this chick will get out of my face.”)

Me: Where do you live?

Paul: Um. Well, I’m from Michigan, but we live in New York.

Me: Oh, yeah, it’s probably way colder there.

Paul: Yeah…usually.

So then he slides my CD cover to the side with a slightly uncomfortable grin and I am face to face with Chris.Fucking.Thile.

Chris: Hey, thanks for coming.

(This is where it gets bad. Brace yourself.)

Me: OMG, ItotallyamsoexcitedIfinallygottoseeyou. I’m WAY too old to be this excited about a musician but I’m TOTALLY GIDDY! I have totally been a Nickel Creek fan for years and I never got to see you play even when you played here two years ago. I had to go to a wedding and I was totally pissed because I had to miss your show and I would have much rather been here because you’re way better than a wedding.

(Yeah. It’s true. Unfortunately.)

Chris: I played here?

Me: Oh, yeah! June 14, 2008. I know that because I had to go to a wedding. But I already told you that. But I totally did you a favor and now you can play off the fact you don’t remember playing here if anyone else in line brings it up.

Chris: (Puts down his pen and looks at me really kindly.) What’s your name?

(He may be the second nicest musician in the world, after Paul.)

Me: Colleen!

(Exclamation painfully intentional.)

Chris: I’m Chris.

Me: OMG, I know! Awesome to meet you…oh, you totally spelled my name right, that’s so great! Can I take a picture with you? It’s just a camera phone and that’s kind of lame, but who knew I’d need a real camera?

Chris: Yeah, cool, come on back!

So I go around the table, and CHRIS THILE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME FOR A PICTURE ON THE CAMERA PHONE. I’m touching one of the few bad asses in the universe who can render me tongue tied, and he’s being really fucking cool…and then I say…

“OMG, you guys, I’m totally sorry I’m holding up the line, hang one one sec…awesome!”

And then I walk.a.way. I may have said something to Gabe and Chris. I *really* wanted to because they are A.MA.ZING, but my brain kind of short circuited at that point. Sigh.

In my head I like to think I’m totally Angelina Jolie, but when it really comes down to it, I’m a hell of a lot closer to Amy Poehler. My husband met me at the exit with my new Punch Brothers T-Shirt, put his arm around me, and took my to buy a bottle of wine. Two days later, I just got my blood pressure down enough that I could blog about it.

(But I would just like to say that Chris totally loved me and he was 100% bummed that I was married.)