Writer Math: Way More Fun, But it’s Probably Good I’m Not an Architect

I dragged The Husband (who looked smokin’ hot in a dark suit and yellow tie…and not smokin’ because he was melting in the Georgia early heat…but ’cause he’s hot…get it?) to a wedding this morning. I always enjoy being seen with him in public, and weddings are fun in general. The bride and groom both said “I Do,” the food was good, and there was booze. So I think it was safe to call it a success. (The bride looked gorgeous, too. It seriously was a beautiful celebration.)

The cake was stories high and gorgeous. At the appropriate time, the couple cut it, the caterers plated up slices, and the masses dutifully gathered ’round to snag a slice. I know that the cake is some people’s favorite part. I get that, so if you take your confections seriously, please don’t be offended by what I’m about to say.

I dig sweets; but I usually just show up to weddings so I can dress up and eat up so I can drink up. The cake seems kind of like a waste of calories. (Which is what The Husband says about pancakes. Weird, right?)

Plus, something about wedding cakes often gets lost in volume translation. Like, they’re totally beautiful, but sometimes a cupcake tastes way better. I’m just saying.

So I hung back, observing the cake feeding frenzy, and a friend asked if I was gonna get a slice.

Me: Tempting. (It really was.) But if I don’t eat a slice, I avoid 300ish calories. Which puts me at negative 300ish calories.

(-ish is an official Writer Mathematical term.)

Friend: That’s true. And it’s getting close to swimsuit season.

Me: Yeah. And since I’m at negative 300 calories, that means I need to have approximately threeish more mimosas just to break even.

Friend: (Laughing politely) True…

She looked like she kind of wondered if I really believed this was true. I.Do.

Of course, this may also be why I had to buy my first one piece swimsuit this year. This also may be why The Husband doesn’t allow me to balance our checkbook. Or drive to weddings.

P.S. The plan backfired when they ran out of champagne and the only other option was a Mint Julep. Which was lovely. But even in Writer Math, Mimosa+Sun+Whiskey=Baddish News. Curses. Foiled again.

Advertisement