People

I can barely keep the people in my life straight. (It gets tough when you’re this freaking popular.) It would therefore be pretty unrealistic to expect you to keep the people in my life straight…I don’t want you to have to study or anything just to be able to enjoy my blog and tell everyone you know how awesome I am and insist they add me to their google readers.

So here’s your cheat sheet. Not that there’s a test. But if there were and you failed it, I’d have to call you a big fat moron given how literal I am in my naming conventions. There’s mainly a cheat sheet because I like to give people multiple nicknames. If I know you, you probably have five. Without further ado, the curtain call:

The Husband. I fell straight into having the hots with my husband as a freshman in high school. Ten years later he finally asked me out and we’re working on living happily ever after. (Or I am. I dunno how happy he’d call living with someone who dishes out such a consistently high level of sarcasm. I imagine it’s kind of like living next to an emotional nuclear plant. But it’s okay, I put out.) He’s a.freaking.mazing, but he’s taken and scared of me, so step off. I may also refer to him as:

• Hubba Hubby
• McHottie Pants (More on this to come in a separate post.)
• The Hubster
• My Baby Daddy

The Girl*. I have a gorgeous seven-year old with a ridiculous sense of humor. She does well in school but frequently gets dinged for too much chit-chat. She once told me that she really liked school, she just wished the teacher would quit interrupting her playtime to make her do work. The acorn doesn’t fall far. I may also refer to her as:

• The Seven-Year Old
• The Heiress
• Tax Deduction #1

The Boy*. I also have an amazing little boy. He’s great, and I think I need to stop having kids while I’m ahead. These two are so cool, I know that if I roll the dice again I’ll end up with the Anti-Christ incarnate. He’s a new person, so if you’ve read Is This Chick for Real? you’ll know that thinking I’m fat automatically makes you a complete asshole. I may also refer to him as:

• The Infant
• The Heir
• Tax Deduction #2

Miscellaneous Players you really should be able to figure out for yourself:

• Idiot Mongrel
• Asshole Chihuahua
• The Mom
• The Dad
• Edward Norton
• John Cusack
• Barack Ofreakingbama

Widely-Applicable Names you’ll have to rely on contextual clues to apply:

• The Asshole
• The Girlfriend
• The Best Friend
• The Boyfriend
• The Blonde
• The Illegal Immigrant

*In all seriousness. There are few things in life that I don’t feel can be drastically improved with a heavy hand of humor and sarcasm. The safety of my children is one of these things. I include lighthearted stories about them from time to time, and you may rightly assume that they’re the most beautiful, talented, sparkling human beings on the planet. But if you ever decide to even attempt to go Uncle Creepy on them, I will go Redheaded-Pissed-Off-Momma-Bear on your pathetic ass before “Uncle” makes it out of your twisted psyche into your consciousness. Just wanted us to be clear.